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Editorials   Another Bloody Fine Theory Pertaining to Internal (and Top Secret!) Nintendo Business Strategies
- By Nathaniel Walker [Associate Editor]

Looking back at some of the things people have said about the GameCube’s smaller-than-average discs always makes me laugh. I laugh uproariously, from the heart and without stopping. I’m not talking about the silly things Playstation or Xbox fans have muttered. Those nonsensical attempts at the making of fun are enough to garner an occasional chuckle, but I have developed a habit of ignoring those poor souls simply because to see their condition is to lose faith in the world. They say things to the affect of “those small discs can’t hold big games,” and “those little discs are designed for children’s wee grimy hands.” That is amusing, but not really. Such critiques make just enough sense to be worth saying, but not nearly enough to be worth hearing. It is yet another petty paradox in the great mess of a place where most people live, having turned away from the gentle teachings of Shigeru Miyamoto to embrace the commercial droolings and creative profanity of Sony and Microsoft.

No, when I say that I laugh at the gaming world’s observations concerning the teeny tiny GameCube discs, I am referring to the intelligent quips of the apt but the uninformed. These people are my brothers and my sisters, fellow gamers who crave innovation and rabidly pursue meaningful fun. These are people who strive all day and all night long to gain a greater glimpse of gaming’s future, and to achieve a deeper understanding of the parties in whose hands rest our collective Nintendophile fates. These people, wonderful as they are, have made me laugh. Why? Because they have failed to note the freakin’ obvious. Well, it’s not really obvious. In fact--it’s complete and total garbage based on five minute’s worth of sitting around pondering videogames and stuff. But my fellow GameCube fans are still pretty lame for having not thought of this before I did. I am a simpleton. If I had been born seven hundred years ago I would have been the guy in charge making sure the cat-to-rat ratio in the grain storage facilities was, in a manner of speaking, up to par.

And that’s why I laugh. I roar at the folly of those greater than me. I spit and choke over the lack of foresight demonstrated by men and women whose vantage points make mine look like a tenement basement. I roll around on the ground like a three-year-old girl with a penchant for rolling and a health insurance policy she knows absolutely nothing about. I mock! …and here’s why: do you think the GameCube discs are small because it makes them harder to pirate? Maybe that’s a part of it. Do you think the GameCube discs are small because Nintendo wants to be special and crap? My laughing continues. The GameCube discs are small, my esteemed but distracted friends, because one day soon they will fit in a portable Gaming Device. Call it a GameBoy Supreme. Call in the GameTrapezoid. Call it pure genius. Call it the dumbest, most stupidest and just dumbiest thing you’ve ever heard. But you must also call it this: an obvious possibility overlooked by the mainstream Gaming Press for so long that a moron like me stumbled across it.

And this, my friends, is a lonely feeling. I laugh on the outside, but on the inside I cry.