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Editorials   Guys waiting in line, and more thoughts on my least anticipated game.
- By Neal Gittens [Associate Editor]

Ah, editorializing. It makes for good updating when news is slow, but if there’s nothing to talk about, then you just end up babbling about nothing until you fill up enough space so that it looks like you wrote something. Fortunately, (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) I am cynical to the point of disbelief, and can complain about virtually anything, so there is never a shortage of stuff for me to write about. So, sit back, crack open a frosty beverage, and prepare for more of the good stuff.

Dave Mirra BMX XXX – God, I am tired of this game and it isn’t even released yet. I recently received my latest issue of Game Informer (I’m not sure why I get it, either. I think I lost some kind of bet.) and its cover feature was on games that are “pushing the envelope”. Somehow, they put Mirra XXX into this category, despite the fact that it isn’t really “pushing” ANYTHING, unless they mean “pushing” in the sense that a shovel can “push” things, such as “crap” around to a different part of a “barn”. (If it adds to the effect, you can visualize me doing the “fingers making quotes in the air” motion as you read that last sentence.)

I have yet to be impressed by this game in the least, and I had it demonstrated for me by the executive producer, the man who dictates anything that happens with the game, for God’s sake. Maybe I am in the minority of people who won’t be amazed at how “revolutionary” the game is, but in my opinion, adding dumb humor and “adult” themes to a game about BIKING is completely pointless. I mean, I know there have been countless times I found myself riding my bike and stopping in to “Scores” for a strip tease, but I never had any clue that it was such a widespread phenomenon that it would ever make its way into a video game. (I just figured I was some kind of pervert.)

GI even goes on to state that the “comedy writer” Acclaim hired produced over 500 PAGES of “material” for the game. This seemed like a lot of writing when I first thought about it, but when I realized how little writing you can fit on one page with a crayon, it made a little more sense. Of course, I’m also sure countless pages just had a word like “POOP” or “BOOBIES” written on it. (But written REEEEALLY big. Funny stuff, huh?)

So, to summarize, this game looks more idiotic to me every time I hear something new about it. GI attempts to compare it to GTA3, but in my view, GTA3 was revolutionary because of the freedom it provided to the player, not just because it had glorified violence. [Note: I haven’t played GTA3, nor do I care to, but I know numerous people who have been impressed with the execution of the game, and not just its rampant violent content.] On the flip side, Mirra XXX is just using a biking game as a backdrop to throw out idiotic toilet humor, and once people actually play the game, I am almost certain it will bomb. (Of course, now that I said that, it will sell 10 million copies, and I will lose all faith in humanity and have to move into the wilderness to escape the hordes of people who will actually consider the game worthwhile. Again, I’m not sure who would be considered the loser in that scenario.)

Jennifer Love Hewitt – “Love” as her friends (and apparently, I) call her, has a new song called “Barenaked”. I really don’t think I need to say anything more for the fellas in the reading audience. Jennifer Love Hewitt… barenaked. Wow. [Note: For some reason, the Methods of Mayhem song “Get Naked” never had the same impact on me. Of course, it may be because Tommy Lee bears no resemblance to Jennifer Love Hewitt.]

The English guy in line – People often say that gamers have a bad image. I often try to dispel this notion to those I know, and then something like this comes along and I just want to cry. For those not in the know, there is a man in England, who is now waiting in line for 50, (I’ll give you a second to let it sink in) days. To those who missed it a second ago, he is camping out for FIFTY day for… Turok: Evolution. (Boy, would this editorial have come full circle if he were waiting for Mirra XXX, or what?)

Now, I am not by any means an important figure in the world, but even I cannot fathom throwing away 50 days of my life to wait for a GAME. All for a game that will probably remain fun for about half that amount of time. I’m not saying that Turok :Evolution won’t be a good game. Hell, I think it looks really damn good. But, does it look “waste two months of my life sitting in line like a jackass” good? No. Nothing ever has, and nothing ever will. No movie, no game, nothing. Jenny McCarthy? Well, maybe.

I can only surmise that this man falls into one of two categories.

1.) Independently wealthy with nothing to do with his time – There is a lot of old money in England, and perhaps this guy is a benefactor of some of that old money. (As of now, I have yet to receive confirmation that the man waiting is NOT Prince William.) There are many lunatic causes taken up by the rich with the explicit purpose of taking up time in their otherwise “never need to work a day in my life” lives. For example, there is the guy who just sailed all the way non-stop around the world in a hot air balloon. He finally made it on about his 15th attempt, each of which more than likely cost more than I will ever earn in my combined lifetime of work, and nearly killed him a couple times. Now THAT is true dedication to a pointless cause.

Of course, it has been stated that Acclaim is outfitting the guy with state of the art equipment (tent and such) and it seems that any self-respecting bored rich person would take the time and money to ensure that they had the latest equipment well prior to jumping into something like this. That old money ain’t gonna spend itself you know! However, given the information I have received, I am led to believe this man falls into the second group…

2.) Hopelessly unemployable – This seems to be the other group of people who have the time and lack of activity to pursue these types of endeavors. I should know, we can smell our own. Perhaps this guy just has the $50 set aside (or pounds, or euros, or big stone slab coins from some South Pacific island. My keyboard only has a $ key, so that’s what I use.) and to ensure he doesn’t spend it on his other hobbies, like more online porn site memberships, he decided to start waiting in line now. This is only one possible idea, but it makes perfect sense to me. He may also just be looking for a way to get out of his parents’ basement for more than just a night on the town for fish and chips and root beer floats with the rest of his D&D Club. (No offense to D&D players. As I said, it takes one to know one, so what does that say about me? Volumes, I’m sure.)

No matter his cause, or true lack of one, the guy will set a record that hopefully no one will ever try to break, because it may very well force him to try again later, and perhaps that time he’d wait for a year to get his hands on Warcraft 4, which will no doubt be announced next week and hit stores in 2024. (Damn Blizzard and their forever in-development-but-incredibly-high-quality titles.)

OK, that should be enough rambling from me for a while, and probably enough to irrevocably estrange Acclaim from our esteemed site forever. (If there are people from Acclaim reading, don’t hold my words against the whole site. Only the CEO.) So until next time, I’ll be watching for news to complain about, and I’ll let you know what I think of it when I return. Peace.