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Editorials   The Turkey List
- By Rob Schlicht

In the N64's lifetime, it hasn't had the usual avalanche of titles like previous Nintendo systems had. However, it had a lot of very good titles. In fact, the ratio of great titles to bad titles is probably the best of any console, except for maybe the Dreamcast (which is still too new to call). Even so, a fair number of very bad games have come out for the Fun Machine, and this list is here to warn you on a few of them before the holiday season. In the N64's lifetime, it hasn't had the usual avalanche of titles like previous Nintendo systems had. However, it had a lot of very good titles. In fact, the ratio of great titles to bad titles is probably the best of any console, except for maybe the Dreamcast (which is still too new to call). Even so, a fair number of very bad games have come out for the Fun Machine, and this list is here to warn you on a few of them before the holiday season.

There's plenty of different N64 models you can buy this holiday season. One of them is the Pikachu N64. Like most models, it comes with one controller. Unlike most models, it is covered by a giant yellow rat. The system itself is blue and yellow. It's one controller has a Pokemon logo on it, and as mentioned earlier, it has a giant Pikachu on top. Pikachu's foot becomes the reset button, and a Pokeball becomes the power button. When on, Pikachu's cheeks light up. How cute.
Forget for a moment that it will be embarrassing as hell if anyone over the age of twelve sees you playing this system, no matter what game you're actually playing on it. This system is flat-out a bad deal. For $20 less, you can get the DK64 bundle, which includes a Funtastic system, an Expansion Pak, and Donkey Kong 64. Are you that much of a Pokemon fan that you'll pay $150 for an N64 with Pikachu on it? You're better off paying $129 for the DK64 bundle, or $79-99 for a Funtastic unit. Might I suggest Fire?

This isn't a really bad purchase to make, just a dumb one. Pokemon Stadium is by no means a bad game, it's just going to be completely obsolete within the next four months. In March, the next Pokemon Stadium will be out, and it will be the exact same as the current game, with 100 new characters from Gold and Silver, along with compatibility with Pokemon Gold and Silver. Even the inclusion of the Transfer Pak is no longer a good reason to buy the original, since this is now fetching extremely low prices on eBay.

What do you get when you combine overpricing, first-generation graphics, shoddy play control, and the worst voice recognition system on the planet? Well, it looks like Hey You, Pikachu is what Nintendo came up with after mixing these things up. Hey You, Pikachu is the worst example of revolutionary technology. When you expend all your resources into creating a game with a new technology like voice recognition, you run the risk of putting all your energy into that, and ignoring all other elements of gameplay. Such is the case in this game. The N64's aging interior had a hard enough time keeping the voice recognition running, so things like textures, framerates, and control had to be sacrificed.
All this would be almost forgivable, if it weren't for the fact that this game, like most Pokemon products, is hideously overpriced. Buy Seaman for Dreamcast, and you'll pay $50 for the game and the microphone. Now I could understand if Hey You, Pikachu was $10 more expensive, like many N64 games, especially ones with pack-in accessories. But paying $80-$90 for a game, especially one of this little quality, is just insane.

Enough said.

Once again, enough said.

In Christmas of 1998, I made the cardinal sin of videogame-buying. I asked for something based on brand-name alone. I had heard of the "naughty" South Park cartoons, and thought the game would be good for a few laughs, maybe even some decent gameplay. That was the first-person-shooter game. Boy, was I wrong. Since then, Acclaim's released Chef's Luv Shack, a game show, and South Park Rally, a kart-racing game. Each one of these has tried to break into a genre dominated by incredible games, and each has succeeded at nothing but making reviewers laugh. Not laugh at the great humor, laugh at the horrible gameplay.
These games may be good for a rental, but under no circumstances should you buy these games, especially for a holiday gift for a loved one.

Titus. Is there hope for you? Everybody slips up and makes a bad game occasionally, but with these guys, it seems like it's their passion. Sometimes it's an original game that plays horribly, other times it's a bad port, and sometimes it's a license that manages to sell thousands of titles, no matter how much people like me tell you not to buy it. Just a few of the Titus gems for the N64 include things like Carmageddon, Hercules, Xena, Blues Brothers 2000, and Superman. Superman is the most famous of these, but don't be deceived... everyone of these games should be burned, beaten with sticks, and then, someone should invent a way to burn things even further so that they can be completely destroyed. No matter how drunk you are, no matter what kind of painkillers you're on, never, ever play these games.
We can only hope that with GameCube's much friendlier development kits, we might see something from Titus that's at least mediocre, rather than embarrassing.